It’s been way past a year since I last wrote, but the emotions are way too real not to. The year 2019 has definitely put me through it to say the least already and it’s only been 6 months. In October of 2018 I found out my Papaw was showing signs of dementia, wasn’t a total shock but still devasting.  In December, we found out that my Papaws wife, my meme had stage 4 lung cancer that had traveled to the brain, so for the next month or so I helped care for and watch the literal life be taken from her. We lost her in January to the cancer. Exactly 30 days after that my Papaw passed away due to the dementia and health problems. I never exactly knew how someone grieves, is that crying everyday when you hear their favorite song? Is it staying crazy busy so you never have time to think about the loss? I was never sure, all I knew is that with all of that chaos going on, I never grieved losing them. I came across this realization in about mid June, so I started to think about how I could possibly grieve them now that it had already been 5 months that had passed since they passed away, but I tried. Through this experience God had given me a lot of peace with their passing. I witnessed both of my grandparents extremely ill, so to know that they are in heaven 100% healed and full of joy gave me an immense amount of peace and comfort.

Late June, I received a phone call that my only other living grandad had had a heart attack and it wasn’t good. I broke down — my initial reaction was God please don’t take another grandparent, my heart can’t handle it. I drove to the hospital and for the next 4 days prayed hard for God to please save my grandad, to heal him, to use a miracle. My grandad had surgery and from what we knew, he was okay. July 3, 2019 was an incredibly hard day. My grandad had passed away earlier that night. I was right — my heart couldn’t handle it. Sometimes you have people who have loved you so stinkin’ well that life without him seems unbearable.

Anger. Betrayal. I was beyond angry at God for taking away another grandparent and someone so near and dear to my heart. This was unfair, and I was so angry that he took yet another loved one from me, in just a matter of 6 months. This time has been one of the darkest times I’ve ever been through. I have thoughts that heaven with him is so much better than living life on this Earth. Depression is deep and dark and so real. I still want answers, I have questions and I’m not writing this because I have it figured out and know the why behind it. I’m writing this because I have hope. If I have anything, it’s that my living hope is Jesus and eternity. 1 John 2:25 “And this is the promise God has promised us, even eternal life.” If I can hold onto anything it is that I will see these people again and there will be no pain and suffering. Some days are going to be dark but there is life worth living and there is a light. It’s okay to feel deeply even if the feelings aren’t pretty.  It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to feel broken. Grieving is a process and it’s okay if it’s not the prettiest process because it won’t be. There’s good days and bad ones, but the Lord promises to be with us always, so trust that God is still good even when our days and our circumstances suck because they will. This earth, this pain is temporary and that will always be worth celebrating.

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